I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Whoa… oh I see lol
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?