“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
5 ways to appear taller
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat