When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
You Might Also Like
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The Compass
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.