“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My work here is don’t.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.