When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
When you’ve simply given up.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’