When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Mouse
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee