@Token_Geezer: When I'm in a room full of toddlers, I can't help but scan it for potential serial killers
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JaneBadall: In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.
@longwall26: Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say "Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?" then just sit there for 5 years.
@TheCatWhisprer: They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
@slimmy_shady: MARRIAGE PROTIP - Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.