When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing