When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.