When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I hope it’s French Onion!
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet