When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
It’s actually Dr. whatever