When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.