When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
You Might Also Like
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.