When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.