When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You Might Also Like
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder