When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I’m already scared
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life