when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
You Might Also Like
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now