When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.