When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My Guy
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter