When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You Might Also Like
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I ate everything, including the H.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.