When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is