when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION