@doguacate: when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog
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@iscoff: Sometimes if you say "Wow, you're tall!" to a tall person they realize they're tall for the first time and thank you with cash
@Lisa_Laughs_: Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? - me introducing my kids to strangers.
@OfficialMizGin: Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I’m the iceberg and you’re the Titanic. #Queen
@AndrewChamings: genie: are you sure? me: just do it *my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*