@doguacate: when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog
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@maurex23: "I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
@DillDoes: Monkey: "We're not so different" Me: "Did that monkey just talk to me" Monkey: "Monkey noise" Me: "Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"
@Diversion50: I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades. Everyone just kept yelling, "HOW MANY WORDS?" and "IS IT THE EXORCIST?".