@doguacate: when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog
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@ruinedpicnic: [buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful
@Alex_N_Chains: I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
@murrman5: *sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] "no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"