when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?