Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.