If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
the last thing a carrot sees
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..