Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
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Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Happy weekend !
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.