Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
how high up are we talkin’?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.