*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
dogs can find happiness so easily
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Meat Cute
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches