When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.