@tastefactory: When Leo said, "To all my friends, you know who you are" he was talking about the bear
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@jjhartinger: Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00.
@Gooooats: Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.
@lecalabara: Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
@tastefactory: I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.