When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Every time.