When libraries troll their patrons.
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Bros before Ohioes
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
These aliens are taking forever.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.