When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
the greatest twitter interaction
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.