Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.