When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
birds and squirrels envy us
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor