When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Google assistant rules
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme