The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.