When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.