EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.