@Carbosly: When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.
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@TheMichaelRock: Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.
@davedittell: ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!
@LoveNLunchmeat: Some peanut butter M&M's just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.