@Carbosly: When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.
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@SortaBad: "Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride"
@david8hughes: [in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
@peaceintruth1: I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle.