When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“