I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat