When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?