@Emma_HumbleBea: When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It's a, "shit and run".
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@matt___nelson: [angrily taking off banana suit] "Why didn't you tell me we were going to a funeral"
@lilgapeach30: If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I'ma need one of you to make good on the "I'll help you hide a body" promise.
@eddiesteadyno: The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn't bargain on "bankrupt" being an option.
@ibid78: If you whisper, "we're being watched," you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.