When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
synchronized noseblowing
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!