*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!