[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂