*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween