TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.