when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
(Jupiter –
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Cha-ching is my safe word
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready