When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
$4 #usedbooks
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
bout dat hot dog summer
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please