Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.