All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?