My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*